


Unsteady

by Trixie_Baggins



Series: TJ Hammond's Playlist [2]
Category: Political Animals
Genre: Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, F/M, Hurt, Love, M/M, Music, Suicide, Trigger warning:, X Ambassadors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 15:09:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11626146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trixie_Baggins/pseuds/Trixie_Baggins
Summary: Hold, Hold onHold on to meCause I'm a little Unsteady.





	Unsteady

_ Hold, Hold on _

_ Hold on to me _

_ Cause I’m a little unsteady. _

 

Although they were twins, TJ was still the older child, and his parents treated him as such.  They held Doug more, babied him more, maybe even loved him more than TJ.  TJ learned how to live without them, or maybe, he didn’t, and that’s where all of his problems came from.  

 

In his entire life, all TJ really wanted was for someone to love him.  To put him first.  And no one ever did.  That can really take a toll on someone, and it definitely took its toll on TJ.

  
  


_ Mama, come here _

_ Approach, appear. _

_ Daddy, I’m alone. _

 

The older TJ and Doug got, the less time their parents spent with them.  They shrugged it off.  “It’s just part of the life,” they would say.  They made do.  They had each other.  They had Nana, who wasn’t any happier about their parents’ political careers than they were.  TJ couldn’t remember the last time he saw his parents not at a political event, or going to a political event.  They were a political family; that’s what they would always be.  And it was fine, until it wasn’t.

  
  


_ This house don’t feel like home. _

 

TJ couldn’t remember the last time his home was just that - home.  That word.  In the living room was the couch where he sat with his parents and reporters when he was outed.  He had left the White House to have some time to himself.  His bedroom was where he hid drugs, booze, boys.  It was where he hid himself.

 

He had almost died in the garage.  The first time he crashed from his high, he threw up and cried in the bathroom.  It was the same bathroom that he got high in a lot.

 

His fingers ran across the keys of the piano.  He sat down.  This, this felt right.  This felt safe.  This felt comfortable.

 

So no, the house wasn’t home.

 

Didn’t feel like home.

 

Would probably never be home or safe like a home should be.

 

But the music was safety.  The piano was where he called home.

  
  


_ If you love me, don’t let go. _

 

In reality, he really should’ve noticed.  The way Sean looked off into the distance whenever he talked about his wife.  The way he made an excuse whenever TJ got too close.  At night, all TJ wanted was for someone to keep him warm and safe and to protect him.

 

He tried to find it wherever he could.  In Sean.  In one night stands.  In boyfriends, but they all eventually let go.  They all eventually realized they couldn’t deal with his neediness.  They all eventually stopped lying to him by telling him they loved him.

  
  


_ Mother, I know, that you’re tired of being alone. _

_ Dad, I know you’re trying _

_ To fight when you feel like flying. _

 

He watched it happen for years.  His parents slowly drifted apart due to his father’s affairs and his mother’s political career.  It was hard being ambitious and married to an even more ambitious woman.  Bud struggled with jealousy about Elaine’s success, and every time Bud talked to a woman, Elaine could only think the worst.

 

Perhaps what hurt the most, was that TJ saw, under everything, that they still loved each other.  He had always thought that love could conquer everything, but then he saw the two people who loved each other the most, walk away.

  
  


_ Hold, hold on _

_ Hold on to me. _

_ Cause I’m a little unsteady. _

 

He woke up, with a pounding headache.  The lights were too bright, too white, too clean.  In the background, there was the familiar  _ beep, beep _ of a heart monitor.  This, this was a hospital, which he means he did something stupid.

 

He looked up.  There was his mother, holding his hand.  The news on the TV in the corner of the room declared that there was some international crisis happening, and here was the Secretary of State.  With him.

 

“I wanted to be here when you wake up.”  

 

She would leave, off to go fix everything, but she was here now, and that’s what counted.

  
  


_~~If you love me, don’t let go.~~ _

 

TJ always thought that love was never letting go, but it turned out he was wrong.  His parents showed him that.  Doug showed him that.  Nana showed him that.

 

His entire life he had just wanted people to hold onto him, but he realized that when they let go is when he found out who he was.  He stopped living as his family, and started living as himself

 

He let go of his pre-conceived notions of who he was and who he wanted to be.

 

And he worked on letting go of his addictions.

 

Worked on letting go of his need for other people to validate him as a person. 

 

TJ worked on loving others for who they were, and not what they could give him.

 

He worked on loving himself.

 

He worked on becoming himself.

 

He looked to the future, and let go of the past.

  
  
  



End file.
